I Wanna Die
by Alex C
Summary: Chandler loves Monica. Monica loves Richard. Chandler leaves. CR friendship. EPILOGUE NOW UP! FINISHED
1. A Friend in Need is a Friend Indeed

Okay, this is called I Wanna Die and it's from season four. Monica is still with Richard (whom I hate with a passion, I'm a diehard Chandler/Monica fan) and Chandler is in love with Monica. It's kinda C/M angst, and a C/Rachel friendship story. Maybe in the end Mon and Chan will get together but I haven't decided yet so here's chapter one.  
  
One: Sit here in the Dark  
  
CHANDLER'S POV  
  
Chandler sighed heavily as he turned over in his bed. He frowned, today was Monica's five month anniversary with Richard. He couldn't believe it. How could someone that he loved so much love someone else? He yawned and reached for the phone. He called into work saying that he was sick and made up his mind to stay in bed all day, probably crying. He would tell his friends he wasn't feeling well. Yeah, that would work.  
  
But just as he decided this, his very best friend Monica Geller opened his bedroom door and jumped on his bed.  
  
"Chandler, do you remember what day it is?" she asked excitedly sitting next to him.  
  
"Christmas?" Chandler asked rubbing his eyes. He faked a smile, which he had done so much lately. "Five month anniversary with Richard." He said and Monica hugged him.  
  
"Come on, get up," she said, "Richard's coming over so I thought I'd make breakfast for the seven of us."  
  
Chandler laid back down, "Thanks, Mon, but I'm feeling really bad and sick today. I think it's best for me to stay in bed."  
  
Monica's happy face turned worried in a millisecond, "Chandler, sweetie, are you okay?"  
  
"I think I'll be fine once I get some rest. Sorry," he replied. He hated himself for making her worry but... it would just be too painful. He wanted to die, seeing her with Richard every day, but today was so much worse.  
  
"Oh," Monica smiled weakly, "I guess I'll leave you to rest. I'll bring some soup over later."  
  
RACHEL'S POV  
  
She woke up and stretched. She knew that Mon was making a big breakfast for the occasion so she dressed in white shorts and a white tank top. When she came out of her room she saw Monica hunched over the stove.  
  
"You're making chicken soup for breakfast?" she asked looking in the large pot.  
  
"It'll have to do," Monica said, "Unless you make toast. There's enough here for Chandler to have a bowl every hour and I don't think they'll be enough for us. "  
  
"Huh?" Rachel asked, popping toast in the toaster. At that moment the door opened and Joey, Ross, Phoebe and Richard walked in.  
  
"Happy five months," Richard kissed Monica's cheek. "You're making soup for breakfast?"  
  
"Actually, toast," the toast popped up from the toaster and Monica took them out and put tow more in before going back to the soup. "The soup is for Chandler. He's sick and I know how much he loves my chicken soup when he's sick. Besides, soup is good for you when you're sick."  
  
"Oh, poor Chandler," Rachel said, "He must feel awful about getting sick on your anniversary."  
  
The others nodded as Monica used a soup ladle to fill a plastic container with soup. She handed it to Rachel with a spoon. "Can you take this to him?"  
  
Rachel walked to Chandler's bedroom door in the other apartment and heard muffled crying. She wondered why he was crying as she gently opened the door.  
  
"Chandler, I brought you some of Mon's soup." She said as Chandler turned to look at her.  
  
"Thanks, Rach," he said taking it from her.  
  
"Chandler," Rachel said. She knew that Chandler was obviously pretty upset about something, and she wanted to help him get through whatever it was. "Chandler, sweetie, what's wrong?" she asked, finally gazing at him as she sat down on the edge of the bed.  
  
"Believe me, Rach, you don't want to know." He sighed as he began to eat his soup.  
  
"Yes, I do," Rachel told him seriously, "If I didn't I wouldn't have asked."  
  
"Rach," Chandler sighed knowing that he needed to share it with somebody, "I'm not really sick, I just couldn't get out of bed today." He sighed again.  
  
He's sighing way more than usual. What could be wrong? Rachel though. "Today," she tried to think of a reason why he wouldn't want to get out of bed that day. She gasped and her hand flew to her mouth, "Monica," she whispered.  
  
"Yeah," Chandler replied, "I'm in love with Monica and she's in love with Richard."  
  
"Oh, Chandler, I'm so sorry." Rachel told him giving him a short hug.  
  
"What exactly is wrong with me?" Chandler asked, "I mean am I meant to only fall in love with either people who'll cheat on me or someone who's my friend who'll never be anything more?"  
  
"Chandler, there is absolutely nothing wrong with you," Rachel told him, "I'll help you through this. Come see me at work today, okay?" She smiled at him once more before leaving.  
  
MONICA'S POV  
  
Monica couldn't believe that she and Richard had made it for five months. She loved him.  
  
Monica and the others were eating when Rachel walked in.  
  
"How's Chandler?" Ross asked as Rachel sat down.  
  
"Not too good," Rachel replied truthfully gazing around the room. She immediately got up again, "Listen, I need to go to work, I'll see you later."  
  
She smiled and left without another word.  
  
Monica gazed at the door her best friend had just retreated from. She had no idea what was going on.  
  
CHANDLER AND RACHEL'S POV  
  
Chandler walked into Rachel's office two hours later and sat down.  
  
Rachel smiled at him sympathetically, "How are you holding up?" she asked.  
  
"Horrible," Chandler sighed, "I want to die."  
  
"You have to tell her," Rachel told him.  
  
Chandler sighed, "I need time to work through everything." He said and Rachel looked at him perplexed. "I need you to distract everyone for about two hours. Five to seven, keep them out of my apartment." He instructed standing up, "Talk to you later." He left leaving Rachel staring dumbfounded. He came back a second later, "Thanks," he said shortly turning to leave a second time.  
  
"This is fun, huh?" Rachel asked. She, Joey, Ross, Phoebe, Richard and Monica were at Rachel and Monica's apartment playing Twister. While Rachel was spinning the arrow, the other three were in very awkward positions, "Left hand green, Phoebs," she laughed. It was past eight and they had all agreed that this was their last game. Attempting her new challenge, Phoebe fell flat on her face.  
  
"Ouch," she muttered, "Not only is my pride bruised, but so is my face."  
  
Richard laughed trying hard to fit into their tight-nit group. Monica smiled and suddenly fell, taking Joey and Ross down with her. Richard jumped up.  
  
"I win!" he yelled happily.  
  
"I'm going home," Joey said getting up and leaving, giving them a quick wave at the door.  
  
They were all talking (except Rachel who was deep in thought), two minutes later when Joey burst in the door.  
  
"Chandler's gone!" he yelled, "His rooms empty, he's gone!"  
  
Okay, that's it for chapter one, please review and tell me what you think. The next chapter will be up shortly. 


	2. Why Did he leave in the First Place?

Hey, glad you liked the last chapter, and here's the second one. There will be mostly Chandler and Rachel in this one, with the other friends in it of course but not as much.  
  
Chapter Two: Why did he leave in the First Place?  
  
Chandler sat in the cab and watched as it rolled down the streets of Long Island. He was certain that when he got there that they would all love to see him, that they would all be excited, but he was also certain (luckily) that his mother was staying in her house on Prince Edward Island for 'inspiration' at the moment so that he wouldn't have to worry about seeing her.  
  
He felt really bad about leaving without telling his friends, they were his bff's he should be able to tell them anything, but what was he supposed to say, "Hey Ross, I'm in love with your little sister," and "Hey Mon, dump the guy you love because I love you"? He didn't think that that was a good idea. He didn't know how much longer he would be able to feel this way and not go completely crazy because she didn't feel the same.  
  
The cab stopped in front of a very large, red brick house with white shutters and beautiful green grass. Getting his bags out of the trunk, Chandler made his way up the walk and rang the doorbell.  
  
A woman, around sixty, and in a maid's outfit, answered the door. Her eyes widened and sparkled at the sight of him.  
  
"Master Chandler," she said happily stepping out of the way so that he could come in, "What are you doing here? I haven't seen you since you moved to the city for college."  
  
"Yeah," Chandler smiled at the maid who had practically raised him along with the butler and the chef. "It's great to see you again, Caroline," he told her, "I'm sorry I didn't call or anything to tell you how I was."  
  
"That's alright, Master Chandler," she replied excitedly, "It's just great to see you again." Then she yelled over her shoulder towards the kitchen, "Donny, Ben, Master Chandler is here!"  
  
Seconds later the butler Donny, clad in a black tuxedo and tails, and Ben the chef, clad in white pants, a white jacket and a chef's hat came down the hall and hurried towards them.  
  
"Master Chandler," Ben said smiling, "It's so good to see you. I'll make you your favorite for supper tonight, macaroni and cheese with cut up hot dogs."  
  
Ben smiled and hurried back to the kitchen.  
  
"I'll take your bags to your room, Master Chandler," Donny said taking Chandler's bags, "And it's quite excellent to see you again." He started to quickly climb the stairs.  
  
"Master Chandler," Caroline said, noting the saddened expression on his face, "What's wrong, are you okay?"  
  
Chandler suddenly felt like he was a young kid again, telling Caroline everything as he helped her clean the house and told her all about his friends, and about Monica and finally Richard.  
  
"So Rachel agreed not to tell anyone that I was leaving and to distract them while I got all my stuff." He told her, "I told my secretary not to let any of my friends into my office except Rachel and she agreed to it. I don't know how long I'll be able to stay away from them, though."  
  
Caroline smiled at him, "Whether you like it or not, Master Chandler, eventually you are going to have to go and tell them what is going on. They are your friends and they love you and I'm sure they're all really worried.  
  
"What do you mean Chandler is gone!" Ross asked as the friends all looked from one to another in shock. It didn't take them long to realize that Rachel was just sitting looking down, tears sliding down her cheeks.  
  
"Rachel," Monica asked, her eyes also filled with tears that Chandler had left, "Do you know what's going on? Do you know where Chandler is?"  
  
Rachel looked at them and wiped her eyes, "No, I don't know where he is." This was the truth. She was to stop by Chandler's office the next morning and he would give her the address of where he was staying. But other than that, she had no clue. Maybe a hotel or something.  
  
"I-I've got to go to bed," Rachel got up and rushed to her room, slamming the door behind her and falling down on her bed, falling asleep in her clothes.  
  
Monica looked around the silent apartment. She couldn't believe it. Her apartment, her friends, had never before been so quiet, mainly because Chandler was always making them laugh.  
  
"Why would he do this?" Phoebe cried, hugging Joey tight, "Why would he leave us?"  
  
"Oh, come on," Richard said, with a tone of slight disdain, "You're talking about this like Chandler is the only thing that keeps you guys alive. If he wants to leave than who cares? I'm sure that in a couple months you'll forget all about him."  
  
None of them could believe their ears, least of all Monica, how could Richard talk like this?  
  
"Get out," Monica said in almost a whisper.  
  
Richard's eyes widened, "What?" he asked, clearly shocked.  
  
"Get out!" Monica yelled pointing towards the door. Tears spilling down her cheeks, she ran into her bedroom and slammed the door.  
  
Rachel, in the next room, heard Monica screaming and the door slam and cringed.  
  
Ross sat in a chair opposite and a little down the hall from Chandler's secretary's cubicle, when he saw the elevator open and Rachel come out. He knew that she would be leaving again because Cindy, Chandler's secretary, had only minutes earlier told him that Chandler hadn't come in that day. So when he overheard Cindy telling Rachel that Chandler was in his office, the least to say is he was surprised.  
  
"What do you mean that Cindy lied to you but told Rachel that Chandler was in his office?" Monica asked. "It doesn't make any sense."  
  
"Oh, yes it does," Ross said angrily, "Chandler and Rachel are seeing each other that's what's going on. He didn't want me to be mad so he ran and Rachel is going to see him wherever it is that he goes. How could he do this to me?"  
  
"Okay, Ross," Phoebe said, holding her hands up, "I highly doubt that Chandler and Rachel are seeing each other the way that you're talking about. But I don't doubt that Chandler told Rachel what made him leave and that she's visiting him and knows where he is."  
  
"That sounds way more likely," Monica agreed, and was relieved to see that Ross had considered it and was nodding also, "But that brings us back to the real question; why did he leave in the first place?"  
  
Rachel sat in a chair on the opposite side of Chandler's desk, looking at him with saddened eyes.  
  
"Everyone is really upset," she told him, and he looked down at the ground sadly, "Monica yelled at Richard to get out of the apartment yesterday. He must have said something that she didn't like."  
  
"Do you think that in time I can get over her and come back?" Chandler asked in a hushed voice.  
  
"I don't think that you'll get over her, no," Rachel replied honestly reaching over and taking Chandler's hand in hers, "But I think that you can learn to accept this, and will be able to come back after her and Richard break up which, by the sound of Mon last night, might actually be pretty soon. But it doesn't matter, not right now. Right now all that matters is that we work through this. Everything that you're feeling." She smiled.  
  
Chandler smiled, for the first time in five months his smile wasn't fake, and he silently thanked Rachel for it. He reached into one of his drawers and pulled out a piece of paper with an address on it.  
  
"I'm staying at my mum's house on Long Island." He told her, "Here's the address."  
  
Rachel took the slip of paper and smiled. "Thanks," she got up from her seat and kissed Chandler on the cheek before moving towards the door, "I've got to get to work. I'll come by as soon as I can get out of the tight-nit group that'll probably be tighter now just so that they can make sure that nobody else gets up and leaves."  
  
Chandler smiled faintly.  
  
"Bye." He said.  
  
"Bye," Rachel waved her hand and then she was gone.  
  
Okay, I know that this chapter was pretty short so sorry, but I hope you liked it and please review. 


	3. We Know that You Know Where He Is

Hey, thanks for the reviews. And, in response to FriendsFan2000, I know that Richard probably wouldn't act like such a jerk, but I really hate him and if he's in the story, which he kind of has to be, then obviously I'm not going to be making him act like Mon's knight in shining armor. Sorry, anyways, and I hope you keep reviewing cause I love feedback, and if you have any suggestions I wouldn't mind hearing them.  
  
Chapter Three: We Know that You Know Where He Is  
  
When Rachel walked in to her apartment that night everyone was there, even Richard. They all looked up at her as she sat down on the couch next to Phoebe and Joey.  
  
"What's up, you guys?" she asked, hoping that her tone didn't sound as worried as she thought it did. They all looked sort of confused, but a different kind of confused.  
  
"We know that you're still seeing Chandler, and that you know where he is," Ross said bluntly, and Rachel's jaw dropped in shock. Before she could say anything he continued, "I was at Chandler's office today when Cindy told me that he wasn't there. And then you come up and ask the same question and she tells you to go right on in, that he's been waiting for you!"  
  
Rachel's eyes were wide and she didn't know what to say. Should she tell them that, yes, she knew where he was, but maybe tell them that she didn't know why he left, just that he didn't want to see any of them.  
  
"Is it because he's sick, Rach," Monica asked, "Is that why he left, is he so sick that he didn't want us to see him in that condition?"  
  
"No," Rachel said honestly, but then, after thinking about it, "Yes, that's why he left." She knew, though, that there was no way that they believed her because of her saying no in the first place.  
  
"Rachel, he's our friend too and we want to know what's going on," Phoebe told her, putting her arm around her friends' shoulders. "Just tell us."  
  
Rachel got up quickly. "I've got to go," she said heading fast towards the door, "I'll see you guys later."  
  
(To the music of Sk8er Boi) "He was a doctor, she was a chef, can I make it anymore obvious, he was old, she was young, what more can I say. He wanted her, she wanted him, another guy wanted her too. All of her friends liked him a lot, just one friend hated him."  
  
"Chandler," Rachel said, putting her hand on his shoulder, "Honey, you totally just mutilated the song."  
  
"He was an eye guy, he said I love you, she wanted to marry him. Her friend was crying, but she didn't notice him, she was too wrapped up. Five hours from then, her friend was gone, and she got all upset. Her boyfriend just laughed, said to forget, and she threw him out."  
  
"The way you're doing this is kinda well done,"  
  
"She called up her friends, said their friend was gone, everyone was so confused. They cried and they cried, and they called him. But it was no use. Only one friend knew why he'd left and she visited him everyday. He liked her a lot and couldn't say thanks enough."  
  
"You're welcome,"  
  
"He was a doctor, she was a chef, can I make it anymore obvious, he was old, she was young, what more can I say. He wanted her, she wanted him, another guy wanted her too. All of her friends liked him a lot, just one hated him."  
  
"He was a doctor, she was a chef, can I make it anymore obvious, he was old, she was young, what more can I say. He wanted her, she wanted him, another guy wanted her too. All of her friends liked him a lot, just one hated him."  
  
Rachel clapped and smiled. "Great rendition, Chandler, great."  
  
Chandler smiled weakly, "You could tell that I just came up with that from the top of my head because it didn't rhyme too well."  
  
"Really, Chandler, it's great." Rachel smiled, and then suddenly frowned, "They know that I know where you are."  
  
"What?" Chandler said, completely taken aback. "How do they know that you know where I am?"  
  
Rachel explained what Ross had told her and he sighed.  
  
"Cindy should really be more careful," he groaned, "I'm sorry for bringing you into this. They might be mad at you now." He said sincerely.  
  
"Hey, they can be mad at me all they want," Rachel told him, "You're one of my best friends and, horrible renditions of good songs aside, I want to be here for you, okay? They can't tell me that I can't stop seeing you because you don't want to see them, and if they do then screw them, okay?"  
  
"I thought you said that my rendition was good,"  
  
"Don't tell me that we lost Rachel too," Joey moaned, "Come on guys, at the rate we're going everyone's going to be gone by the end of the week!"  
  
"We didn't lose Rachel," Monica told him with a sigh, "But I think that if we want to keep Rachel that we've got to stop badgering her about Chandler all together. We can still be upset that he left, but nobody mentions the fact that she still knows where he is and is seeing him."  
  
There was a chorus of 'okays' and 'fines'. Rachel chose that moment to come in.  
  
"Hey," she said weakly, not looking any of them in the eye. She quickly tried to walk straight to her room but Ross intercepted her at the door to her bedroom.  
  
"Hi, why don't you stay awhile?" he said, grabbing her arm and pulling her gently towards the couch. She sat down, heaving a sigh.  
  
"You guys," she started.  
  
"We're not going to make you tell us where Chandler is," Phoebe told her, "And we're not going to ask you why he left." Rachel was clearly shocked at her words. "But, please, Rach, tell us this: how is he?"  
  
Rachel looked at one friend to another, finally her eyes falling on Monica, who she locked eyes with as she said: "Not too well,"  
  
Everyone looked away; she could tell that they felt guilty, as though they could have done something, as though they should have seen that something was wrong before he even left. She should have seen something was wrong, too.  
  
Okay, that's all for this chapter, I hope you liked it and the next one will be up soon. Alex. 


	4. We Need to Know Where He Is

Hey, thanks for reading and reviewing. Here's chapter 4.  
  
Chapter Four: We Need to See Him  
  
"How bad?" Monica asked in a whisper.  
  
"Really bad," Rachel replied her voice just as low, "He tries to stop crying, but he can't. He tries to do his work, but he can't concentrate. He tries to-----just do anything to keep his mind off it." She was almost tempted to tell them; but she couldn't. Her promise to Chandler meant too much to her.  
  
Everyone looked at each other, looks of deep sadness and remorse on their faces, and then back at Rachel.  
  
"Please, Rachel," Joey said quietly, "Please tell us what's wrong with him. Why he left."  
  
Rachel shook her head, "I have to go," she said with teary eyes. She got up and quickly left the apartment, and her other friends, behind.  
  
Rachel took the two plates from Ben with a smile.  
  
"Thanks, Ben," she said smelling the sweet smell of the hash browns and bacon that was for lunch. "It smells wonderful."  
  
"You're very welcome, Miss Rachel," he smiled. "Anything for Master Chandler and his friend."  
  
"I appreciate it," Rachel replied smiling at him as she left the kitchen and went into the dining room with their food.  
  
Chandler came in a minute later and smiled at her, "Hey, lunch is ready." He said with one of the first smiles that Rachel had seen on him since he had left nearly a week ago.  
  
She smiled widely at his smile. She knew that he was starting to get a little bit better. But she didn't think that he'd ever be able to go back.  
  
"What?" Chandler asked, "Why are you smiling at me like that?" he said sitting down next to her.  
  
"I was just thinking about how nice it is to see you smile again," Rachel told him truthfully. Chandler grinned.  
  
"Thanks,"  
  
"Have you given any thought as to coming back?" Rachel said as they ate.  
  
Chandler froze. "I don't know." He said, "It's hard enough thinking about Monica being with someone else, I don't think that I could ever again try and be around while she is."  
  
"That's the answer I was expecting." Rachel whispered. Chandler raised his eyebrows, clearly shocked, but Rachel continued before he could say anything. "It really was. I see the way you are so broken hearted and it makes me want to cry every time I see you cry. I know how much you love her and I can see the hurt in your eyes. Your eyes used to show laughter, Chandler, now all they show is hurt and sorrow. I miss the old Chandler but I know that I can't have him back. I know that you are my best friend and that I need you in my life and that the others feel the same way. But you can't see them because it just brings in too much. I think of how much you love Monica, and I wish that I could find somebody to love me like that. Monica has no idea what she's doing to you, but she's so upset, almost like she does know. Everything is quieter and not as many jokes are ever cracked. Everyone loves you and misses you, but I think that they know that you wouldn't have left if it wasn't necessary. I think that they're all a little hurt that you didn't tell them, that you haven't told them, but they know that that was something that you had to do, too." She took a deep breath. "They all love you, Chandler, and they miss you."  
  
Chandler's eyes were watering. "I want to go back," he whispered, "But I can't, Rach,"  
  
Rachel reached over and hugged him tightly. "I know, honey, I know."  
  
Monica looked at each of her friends, one by one. Without Chandler, and half the time Rachel, it just wasn't the same. Monica's apartment was actually a mess, so was her room. She just didn't have the heart to clean, even though it used to always make her feel better, she couldn't do it.  
  
Ross looked at Monica with a sigh. Ever since Chandler had left Monica hadn't cleaned the apartment at all, other than doing the dishes once every two days. Instead of Monica making them meals, all of a sudden they were ordering Chinese and pizza every night. He just couldn't understand what had made Chandler leave. He knew that Chandler had been looking kind of bad pending the days before he had left, but he would have never expected his best friend leaving all of them, except Rachel, behind.  
  
Joey wasn't complaining that they had had pizza almost every night since Chandler had left, and he didn't really care that Monica and Rachel's apartment was a little messy from not being cleaned, but he did care that his best friend was now gone. Only Rachel knew where he was, and he couldn't be far otherwise Rachel wouldn't be able to go and see him all the time. With a sigh, he looked at the last piece of pizza in the box and offered it to someone else.  
  
Phoebe twirled her rings around her fingers, trying to sink as far into the couch as possible. Every night she would go to bed and hope that she would wake up and Chandler leaving would have been a dream. What had possessed him to leave didn't really matter to her anymore; she just wanted him to come back. Right now she would give anything to hug him, and to hear him crack a joke at the most inopportune moment.  
  
But deep inside they all thought that there was something really bad behind Chandler's disappearance, especially since Rachel got so upset whenever they brought it up. But none of them could even begin to comprehend what it was.  
  
"The next time Rachel leaves, we're going to follow her," Joey said suddenly. "Wherever she goes means that's where Chandler is. We need to see him."  
  
"That's a great idea," Phoebe and Ross agreed, but Monica wasn't too sure.  
  
"What if he gets upset?" she asked.  
  
"We need to see him," Joey said again, and Monica nodded. She needed to see him, too. 


	5. What About We Hide a Tape Recorder in he...

Hey, thanks again for all the reviews and I'm glad that you like the story. I know that Ben, Donny and Caroline are a little cheesy, but they're fun that way.  
  
Chapter Five: What About Hiding a Tape Recorder in her Purse  
  
"Don't you think that we should do something other than just follow Rachel around? She might see us." Ross said, "We have to do something else."  
  
"What about hiding a tape recorder in her purse," Joey suggested taking a bite of pizza, and the others were all shocked by his good idea, "We'll hear the address when she tells the cab driver and we'll hear what she and Chandler say to each other, too."  
  
"Joey, that's brilliant," Monica said, her eyes brightening. "Does anyone have a tape recorder?"  
  
"I do," Joey replied, getting up and leaving to get it. "We'll get seven hours on this," he told them and they all grinned as Monica slipped it into the secret compartment of one of her purses, the one that Rachel was borrowing and putting it on just as Rachel came out of her room.  
  
She was too busy rubbing the sleep out of her eyes and didn't notice Monica slip quickly away from her purse.  
  
"Morning," she said. At the same time the front door open and Richard walked in giving Monica a kiss.  
  
"Morning, hon," he said.  
  
Monica had gotten over being mad at him, but she wouldn't ever forget what he had said. But she loved him too much not to forgive him. But deep down she knew that something was missing in this relationship. Richard didn't want marriage and children like she did. He was one person who could drink older than her and wasn't up for doing that again. Monica thought once and a while that she should break up with him now before she gets too involved with him, but she kept telling herself that if they stay together eventually he'll change his mind about marriage and children.  
  
"Morning, Richard," she said along with everyone else.  
  
"Okay, you guys," Rachel seemed to be in a happier mood as she gave Monica and Phoebe each a hug goodbye. "I'll see you tonight, meet me in the coffee house for lunch?" she asked.  
  
"Yeah, okay," all of her friends replied.  
  
"Great," Rachel said, "I got to go, I love you guys."  
  
"Love you, too," everyone said as she grabbed her purse and jacket and left.  
  
Phoebe's eyes got teary and she started crying, "I miss Chandler,"  
  
Everyone but Richard, who was seated a little annoyed at the kitchen table, were now sitting on the couch hugging and crying with each other over Chandler.  
  
Rachel slipped the key to Chandler's house into the lock and opened the door. Caroline was just inside dusting the pictures on the wall of the foyer.  
  
"Hello, Miss Rachel," Caroline said brightly. "How are you today?"  
  
"I'm really good, Caroline," Rachel replied, "How's Chandler?"  
  
"He's doing really badly with his broken heart." Caroline sighed, "I don't know this Monica that he's in love with, but he's just so upset I want to hug him and tell him it'll be alright like I did when he was just a little boy."  
  
"Monica has a boyfriend, named Richard," Rachel told her, "Mon's great, but she has no idea that Chandler left because of her, or how much Chandler loves her or how broken hearted he is."  
  
Caroline forced a small smile, "Well, I guess you should go and see him. I'm almost done here and then I'm going to collect all the laundry from his hamper and do it."  
  
"Alright," Rachel said, and proceeded up the stairs.  
  
When she got up all the stairs she went to the end of the hall and into Chandler's room. He was lying on his bed on top of the covers dressed in jeans and a sweater and he was crying, his back turned towards the door. With a sigh, and tears again stinging her eyes, she went over to the bed and sat down. Chandler got up and sat against the headboard, moving over so that she could sit right next to him.  
  
They were both seated against the headboard and Rachel put her purse on the nightstand.  
  
"How are you, sweetie," Rachel asked. He was so quiet today.  
  
"I had another dream," he said quietly, "I dreamt that me and Mon were married and that we had four kids, a boy, twin girls and another boy, and a dog. We lived in the suburbs. It was so great."  
  
Rachel put her arms around Chandler in a tight hug as he sobbed.  
  
"It's okay, sweetheart," she said, tears spilling down her own cheeks.  
  
Monica, Ross, Joey, Phoebe and Richard all sat in Joey's apartment later that day, with the tape recorder they had gotten out of Rachel's purse in Monica's hands. The door to the apartment was locked and Monica breathed in as she turned it on.  
  
They could hear Rachel passing people in the hallway of the building saying hi and finally getting into a cab.  
  
"Hi, can you take me to 45 Eastern Estates, Long Island?" Rachel asked.  
  
"Okay,"  
  
Phoebe quickly jotted down the address.  
  
They fast forwarded it and put it on in time to hear her putting a key in a lock and opening a door.  
  
"Hello, Miss Rachel, how are you today?" They heard a woman say.  
  
"I'm really good, Caroline," Rachel replied, "How's Chandler?"  
  
"He's doing really badly with his broken heart." The woman sighed, "I don't know this Monica that he's in love with, but he's just so upset I want to hug him and tell him it'll be alright like I did when he was just a little boy."  
  
Everyone was so shocked, especially Monica and Richard.  
  
"Monica has a boyfriend, named Richard," Rachel told her, "Mon's great, but she has no idea that Chandler left because of her, or how much Chandler loves her or how broken hearted he is."  
  
Monica started crying, not being able to believe that Chandler was in love with her, or that he had left because of her. When she talked about Richard so much, that must have killed him.  
  
"Well, I guess you should go and see him. I'm almost done here and then I'm going to collect all the laundry from his hamper and do it."  
  
"Alright," Rachel said.  
  
It sounded next like Rachel was going up stairs, and then they heard the creak of a door.  
  
"How are you, sweetie," Rachel said.  
  
"I had another dream," he said quietly, he sounded like he was incredibly broken hearted, like his whole life was over, and also like he hadn't stopped crying in days. "I dreamt that Mon and I were married and that we had four kids, a boy, twin girls and another boy, and a dog. We lived in the suburbs. It was so great."  
  
Monica's eyes widened as she heard him talk, and so did everyone else's. Chandler loved her, he wanted to marry her and have kids and a dog with her. She couldn't believe it. She couldn't look at Richard. It disgusted her that the man she loved didn't want that, but another man she loved, only as a friend though, wanted all of that with her.  
  
"It's okay, sweetheart," she said, and it sounded like she was crying too.  
  
"I can't take this, Rach," Chandler sobbed, "I can't take this."  
  
"Don't worry, honey, I'm here for you." Rachel said.  
  
"I want to see everyone again, but I can't go back, I can't ever go back. I want to see Monica so bad, but I can't look at her without thinking about how much I love her and how much she loves Richard, and how I can never be with her." Chandler cried. "I just want to die, Rach."  
  
"Don't say that Chandler," Rachel told him, "Don't ever say that, okay?"  
  
"Okay," Chandler said quietly. "I won't, but I can still think it right?"  
  
"No! No, Chandler, you can't think like that okay? Promise me?" Rachel said sternly.  
  
"I promise," Chandler whispered.  
  
"I know that this is hard, I felt this way when I found out Ross was cheating on me. But a broken heart can be mended, honey."  
  
"Mine can't be," Chandler said, "I've been in love with Monica ever since I moved in here. I've watched her date other people and it's killed me inside. I've tried relationships but it's kind of hard when you can't stop thinking about someone else. I couldn't take it anymore, I couldn't just cry at night like I used to and pretend to be fine during the day. I can't do it, anymore."  
  
"It's okay, baby," Rachel said, "Its okay. Take deep breaths, its okay."  
  
"I don't know what I'd do without you," Chandler told her between deep breaths, "Thank you so much for being here with me. And for distracting everyone so that I could get all my things out."  
  
"You know that I would do anything for you," Rachel said, "You're one of my best friends, Chandler, and I love you. Don't forget that, okay?"  
  
"Okay," Chandler whispered, "Love you, too."  
  
"I know, honey," Rachel said.  
  
The recording stopped.  
  
Tears were flowing from Monica's eyes, her thumb on the stop button of the recorder.  
  
Monica got up and ran out of the apartment, into hers and into her room, slamming the door and collapsing on her bed in tears. 


	6. We've Always Been so Close

Hey, thanks for all of you who reviewed. I know that Chandler cries a lot but he's really upset, and everyone knows that he's really sensitive. Thanks again and I hope that you like the next chapter.  
  
Chapter Five: We've Always Been So Close  
  
Monica lay in bed, her face stained with tears. It was unbelievable. Her best friend was in love with her. Chandler was in love with her. He's been in love with her since he moved in, and he dreams of marrying her and having children with her. It was all so surreal. All the times that Chandler had offered to be her boyfriend, it wasn't just because he wanted a girlfriend like she had always thought, and he had never been joking. He had been so serious and half the times she had laughed in his face. She was a terrible friend.  
  
Phoebe sat on Joey's couch in shock. Chandler couldn't really be in love with Monica, could he? But the more that she thought about it the more sense it made. Chandler had always been so close to Monica, he had always hugged her and let her sit really close to her like no one else. He had told Monica a lot of things that he had kept a secret from everyone else. But the main thing that worried her: never seeing Chandler again because of his love for Monica.  
  
Ross couldn't have been more surprised if they had found out that Chandler was gay or something. This couldn't be happening; Chandler couldn't be in love with Monica. His best friend since college couldn't be in love with his little sister. But he knew that it was true, that he did love her. And slowly, the pieces of the past few years and Chandler's offering constantly to be Monica's boyfriend all flew together as if magnetically.  
  
Joey felt like he wanted to throw up. Not this. This couldn't be what was keeping Chandler in an estate in Long Island. This couldn't be why he was gone. It couldn't be. But the more he told himself that it couldn't be true, the more he believed that it was. Chandler was in love with Monica. Deep love, the kind of love you can only get once in a lifetime.  
  
Richard was fuming. Chandler was in love with his girlfriend. At least he had never told Monica, Richard thought, because who knows what would have happened then. Maybe Monica would have left him to be with Chandler. Wait, there was no way that Monica would go for Chandler, he suddenly wanted to laugh for even thinking about it.  
  
Rachel walked in to her apartment and heard Monica crying in her room. She sighed, ready and willing to comfort another friends tears. She opened Monica's door and Monica looked up, tears in her eyes. Rachel looked at her for a moment before she went and sat next to Mon on the bed and they hugged.  
  
"Why didn't he ever tell me?" Monica sobbed, "Why couldn't he have just told me that he was in love with me?"  
  
Rachel didn't know how she had figured it out, but answered anyways, "How would you have reacted, Mon, seriously? You would have thought that he was kidding and blown him off because of the fact that he's Chandler and is always making jokes. That would have killed him, Mon."  
  
"But I would have liked to have known," Monica argued.  
  
"No, Mon, you would have wanted him to get over you in a sweatpants faze like he always does, but Mon, he can't do that with you." Rachel told her, "Mon, you have to understand that Chandler loves you in a 'going-to-spend- the-rest-of-my-life-with-you-loving-you-and-caring-for-you' way. In a way that no guy has ever loved either or us, Mon."  
  
"I was thinking about it, and it makes sense that he loves me," Monica said, "He's always been so close with me and I never even noticed."  
  
"Mon, you know that even if you weren't with Richard right now that you wouldn't have given him a chance at a relationship with you. And that is why he left, because if he told you, you would have felt almost obligated to give him a chance and he doesn't want to make you be with him. He wants you to be with him because you have serious romantic feelings for him. And lately, he's noticed that you indeed will never love him the way he loves you and he just couldn't take the heartache anymore. Even if he is still really upset, he's never going to stop loving you Mon. This means he's pretty much screwed of ever having a family, because he can't be in a relationship when he's in love with someone else. Why do you think that he's always single? He's good looking he could get lots of girls to date him."  
  
Monica thought over Rachel's words for a minute, letting them all slowly sink in. Chandler really was never going to get over her. He didn't want her to feel obligated for anything, so she lost her best friend. Right now she just wanted to crawl deep into a hole and wither away until she was dead. Because that's how she felt that she had left Chandler.  
  
Okay, that's the end of the very short chapter six. What do you think I should do, should I have Chandler and Monica get together at the end? Should Mon stay with Richard or dump him (even though M/C might not get together there is still a really good chance that she'll dump Richard because I just hate him sooooooooo much.) Please keep reviewing, and thanks for the reviews I have already gotten. 


	7. I Love You

Thanks again for the reviews. I don't know how many chapters I have left to do but I guess we'll see when I finish this. Please keep reviewing and I hope you like it.  
  
Chapter Seven: I Love You  
  
Monica sat in the cab as it rolled down the streets of Long Island, finally stopping at her parent's house. She needed help, and right now she was desperate for it. She ought to be, because she was turning to her mother for help.  
  
Paying the cabbie and getting out, she peered upon her mother and fathers house. She ran up the walk and rang the doorbell, tears spilling down her bright red cheeks. Judy answered the door a minute later and, to Monica's surprise, took her in her arms and told her that it would be alright, leading her into the house and shutting the door. Judy led her to the couch and they sat and Judy let Monica cry.  
  
"Honey, what's wrong?" Judy asked her daughter once Monica's crying had gotten under control, "Is it Richard?"  
  
"I don't know if I still love him," Monica said, she was so confused, "Chandler left, mom. We figured out that Rachel knew where he was and slipped a tape recorder into her purse, wanting to know why he had left."  
  
"And why did he?" Judy asked sincerely.  
  
"He's in love with me," Monica said, "Rachel said that he spends all his time crying and we heard Chandler telling her on the tape that he wanted to die, because he was so in love with me and has been for years, and that he couldn't take watching me with Richard, or any other guy. Rachel said that his love for me is 'going-to-spend-the-rest-of-my-life-loving-and-taking- care-of-you' love. I've never had that love before."  
  
"And Richard?"  
  
"When Chandler first left a week ago we were all really upset, and Richard got annoyed with how upset we are, he still is annoyed by how upset we are. He said that it was 'only Chandler' and that it didn't matter and we would all forget about him in a couple of months. I was so angry I threw him out. I threw him out, Mom."  
  
"Are you okay?" Judy asked.  
  
"I'm just so confused," Monica said, "I mean, I love him, of course I love him. And I've always had romantic feelings for him; he was the whole reason why I lost all that weight. I just don't know what is going on. I know that staying with Richard isn't going to work out anyways; I've been planning on breaking up with him for a couple of months, he doesn't want marriage and children. On the tape I heard Chandler telling Rachel that he had another dream about us being married with four children, a boy, twin girls and another boy to be specific, and a house in the suburbs. And a dog, mom, we had a dog."  
  
"Honey, is this about you're confusion over what to do about Richard, or your confusion over your feelings for Chandler?"  
  
"I don't know!" Monica cried, "I'm telling Richard today that it's over between us. I've been putting breaking up with him off for months because I kept telling myself that he would change his mind about marriage and children if we stayed together, but I know that he won't. And even if he does, I don't want to spend my life with him." Monica thought about it for a moment, "I'm going to call him now." She got up and went into the kitchen.  
  
Five minutes later she came back out and sat down next to her mother again. "He asked if it was because of Chandler."  
  
"What did you say?"  
  
"I said that I wasn't sure if it was, but there were other reasons behind it that I was sure about." Monica said, "And he said 'so it is about Chandler' and hung up on me."  
  
"Well, Monica, I think that maybe you don't just love Chandler like a friend. You've always told me that Chandler was your very best friend and that you told each other everything," Monica nodded, "I've seen you together, even if there is room on another seat I've seen you sit on Chandler's lap and I've seen you holding hands and him with his arm around you. Whenever I see you and Chandler together I think to myself that you two look like you are a couple. Like you're hopelessly 'going-to-spend-the- rest-of-my-life-loving-and-taking-care-of-you' in love with each other, the kind of love that comes once in a lifetime. I think that you love Chandler more than you realize you do."  
  
Two hours later Monica sat at home. She was looking through picture albums. All of the pictures of her had Chandler in them, too. And they were always hugging, holding hands, had their arms around each other or Monica was sitting on his lap. Then there was that picture of Chandler hugging her tightly when she was only in a towel. Like she would have let anyone other than him hug her when she was only in a towel. It was looking at the pictures and thinking about all the memories that Monica realized something: she was in love with Chandler.  
  
She was still sitting there happy about being in love and looking at the photo albums, deciding on when to go and see Chandler, when Ross, Rachel, Joey and Phoebe came in. They saw her sitting there looking at pictures with a big smile.  
  
"Mon, what's up?" Rachel asked, but she thought she knew: Monica was in love with Chandler.  
  
"I'm in love with my best friend," Monica replied and they all smiled as she jumped up and ran to hug them all. "That's what's up!"  
  
The next day Rachel drove them all in Phoebe's cab to Chandler's mothers place. When they got there Rachel took out her key.  
  
"Okay, now the maid Caroline, the butler Donny and the chef Ben have all promised that they would stay downstairs in the basement while we go and see Chandler. Just in case, you know." She told them putting the key in the lock and turning.  
  
Everyone was amazed at the spectacular house. They seemed in a daze at how beautiful it was as they climbed the stairs behind Rachel. When they got to the top they followed Rachel down the hall to the very last room on the right side and when she opened it, they saw their friend for the first time in a week and a half. He was sitting on his bed reading something, his eyes red from crying, and his face tear streaked, but he wasn't crying. It broke everyone's heart to see him like this, especially Monica, who held tightly onto Joey's hand to keep herself from falling.  
  
"Hey sweetie," Rachel said and Chandler looked up. He was clearly really surprised to see all his friends in the doorway looking at him. He looked at Monica, who had let go of Joey's hand and was now standing fine, and got up quickly.  
  
"Hey," he gave Rachel a 'what-are-they-doing-here' look and Monica stepped forward.  
  
"Chandler," she said, and Chandler locked eyes with her, immediately turning his eyes away. She walked up to him and took his hands in hers, causing him to look up at her again. "When you left it broke my heart. And I only just figured out why."  
  
Chandler looked confused, but stayed silent as she spoke.  
  
"I'm in love with you, Chandler," she said and Chandler's eyes widened at the shock, "I'm so incredibly in love with you that I can't ever see myself living without you. When I think about you I can't help but smile and I want more than anything for you to come back to us, Chandler, come back to me."  
  
Chandler looked skeptical, "Are you just saying this just to get me to come back?"  
  
"I hope you do," Monica said, "Because I can't live without you any longer and I want nothing more to kiss you and to wake up every morning in your arms. It took me a while to realize why I could ever get so close to you, closer than anyone, why even if there were other seats to sit on I liked just sitting in your lap. But I did realize it, and now I want nothing more than to spend the rest of my life trying to make you feel the same way."  
  
Chandler had tears in his eyes, and so did Monica and everyone else. He put his hands on Monica's hips and pulled her towards him.  
  
"I already do," he told her with a smile, "I love you so much, Monica."  
  
"I love you, too, Chandler," Monica put her hands on either side of Chandler's face and pulled his face down for a soft kiss that was flowing with electricity. They broke apart and smiled, before sharing another passion infused kiss, but one that was definitely not their last.  
  
THE END  
  
Well that story is finished thank you so much for reviewing for it. If you guys want I can write an epilogue but I'll wait for your reviews on whether I should or not before I start it. Thanks so much again for reading and I hope that you all liked it and liked how I finally got Monica and Chandler together at the end. 


	8. Epilogue: Ten Years Later

Okay, I'm writing an epilogue because I feel like it, I might post it I might not, obviously if you're reading this I did post it lol. Okay, sorry. Here's the epilogue to I Wanna Die by Alex C, I hope you enjoy.  
  
EPILOGUE: TEN YEARS LATER  
  
"Kieran Joseph Bing, get down here right now!" Monica Bing yelled to her oldest son, Kieran, who was nine years old. She and Chandler had gotten married only three months after they had gotten together, but Chandler hadn't moved back in with Joey at all. When they first got together Rachel moved in with Joey and Monica and Chandler had the apartment until she found out she was expecting Kieran.  
  
A young boy with tousled strawberry blonde hair and Chandler's gorgeous blue eyes ran down the stairs with Maverick, their two year old husky puppy, close behind. He gazed at his mother in an innocent look but she didn't fall for it.  
  
"You super glued your sisters' hands together!" she said, pointing at the two blonde four year old girls, who also inherited Chandler's eyes, Kennedy Rachel Bing and Kelsey Phoebe Bing, who were standing looking dejected and trying to pull their hands apart. "How on earth could you do something like that?"  
  
"They were bugging me," Kieran replied nonchalantly, as though the answer would get him out of trouble. "Besides, it's better than having them ask me if they can play with my action figures."  
  
"We just wanted to play with Kieran's dollies," Kennedy said sniffing. Kelsey nodded, with a puppy dog look on her face.  
  
"They are not dolls, they are Action Figure Americans," Kieran yelled at his sisters, "I would never play with dolls."  
  
"Well, you're lucky you won't get to play with your--" Monica paused at that point, not really wanting to call the male dolls 'Action Figure Americans', "Action Figure Americans for another month now. You're down one birthday present, too."  
  
"But I only got five presents left!" Kieran moaned. Whenever one of the kids got in trouble Monica and Chandler deducted one present from the number of presents they would get on their birthday or Christmas.  
  
"That's your own fault," Monica said, "You cannot superglue your sisters' hands together and expect there to be no consequences. Actions have consequences, Kieran Bing, and you would do good to remember that every once in a while."  
  
"Now go up to your room," she commanded him.  
  
"But mum," Kieran groaned.  
  
"Go!" Monica said.  
  
Right after Kieran walked up the stairs grumbling, Chandler walked in with a baby carrier and their youngest son Kaiden Ross Bing, who was a small eleven month old with just a small tuft of black hair and Monica's eyes.  
  
"Hey, honey," Chandler put the carrier down and wrapped his arms around Monica, leaning down to kiss her lightly. He then let go of her and wrapped his arms around his daughters, "How are daddy's pretty ladies?" He asked giving Kennedy and Kelsey a kiss on the cheek each.  
  
"Honey, your son super glued their hands together." Monica said and Chandler sighed, looking at his little girls.  
  
"Have you ever noticed that when he does something good he's your mother's son and when he does something bad he's mine?" he asked them and they laughed. He stood and picked them each up. "Why don't you take care of Kaiden, he's getting hungry, and I'll take care of the ungluing of the hands?" he suggested and Monica smiled giving him another kiss.  
  
"Okay," she said, "I love you."  
  
"I love you, too, Mon,"  
  
Monica and Chandler walked out of their house with the kids later that night. Rachel and Ross lived with their kids seven year old Emma Monica Geller and three year old Daniel Chandler Geller in the house on the left of Mon and Chandler's and Phoebe and her husband Mike Hannigan and their one child Dawson Ross Hannigan in the house on the right and Joey lived in Phoebe and Mike's garage apartment.  
  
Even though Ross hadn't wanted to have Chandler's name in their son's name ("I'm sorry, dude, but your name sucks." "Hey, I named Kaiden after you." "Yeah, but your name sucks.") but Rachel had insisted on it. She and Chandler had stayed really great friends after what had happened and he had walked her down the aisle at their wedding because her dad had died a couple months prior to it. He had also walked Phoebe down the aisle at her wedding with Mike.  
  
They went to Phoebe's house, where they were all meeting that night, they varied between houses and let themselves in. Phoebe and Mike were in the kitchen kissing when they walked in. The kids ran to find Dawson and they sat down with Phoebe and Mike and a minute later Ross, Rachel and Joey walked in. They were all sitting there talking when Phoebe said quickly, "Guess what, Mike and I are one month pregnant!"  
  
"Both of you?" Joey questioned giving Mike an odd look.  
  
"I'm a month pregnant, too," Monica and Rachel both yelled, Ross and Chandler both surprised as they didn't know.  
  
"I can't believe that we're pregnant together," Monica said.  
  
"I can't believe that you didn't tell me you were pregnant," Chandler said.  
  
"You're not happy?" Monica asked dejectedly.  
  
"No, I'm ecstatic, but why didn't you tell me?"  
  
"I was gonna do it when you got home but the girls' hands were super glued together,"  
  
"Why didn't you tell me?" Ross asked Rachel.  
  
"I just found out today at the doctors because I've been feeling sick. He said I'm a month pregnant,"  
  
Everyone was happy, and Joey, suddenly, announced that he had been seeing someone secretly and they were getting married.  
  
Two weeks later the house next to Rachel's went on sale and Joey and Candice, his fiancée, bought it.  
  
On July 3rd, Monica, Phoebe and Rachel all gave birth that same day to Kerri Candice Bing, Rosalin Rachel Hannigan and Ellie Rebecca Geller.  
  
Joey and Candice announced a year later, thirteen months after their wedding that they were having a baby and eight and a half month later Karmen Monica Tribbianni was born.  
  
Monica's mother and her were still a little uncomfortable with each other, despite the great talk that they had had ten years ago. Judy had called Monica a slut for having five kids in ten years, although Monica contradicted it by saying that she had only gotten pregnant four times.  
  
Chandler had invited Donny, Ben and Caroline to his and Monica's wedding and he and Monica and the kids talked to them regularly. Chandler's father comes in for a one week visit from Las Gaygas a year, and his mother stops by every once in a while.  
  
And those six friends, plus Mike and Candice and the kids, stayed friends forever. No longer living across the hall, but in four houses right next to each other on a nice street in the suburbs.  
  
Okay, that's the first epilogue I've ever written so it probably sucked. But I'd really like to know what you guys think of it. Thanks for reading and now this story is finally finished. Thanks again, Alex C 


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